Reflecting at my life: Everything Bad about me

Reflecting on my life: Everything Bad about me

I have been on Earth for sixteen years. I have done a lot of things since I was born; some are good, and most are bad. I have said and done many things - both intentionally and unintentionally - which caused pain to others that I cannot imagine nor can I ever understand. I am not a bad person, at least I think so, but my deeds are bad. There were times when people overlooked my misdeeds saying that I was merely a child, but I do not blame them as someone told me my face looks like that of an innocent person. As the saying goes, the most sinful people are dressed in the most formal attire. I am the best living example of this saying. At least, I am best at something aside from hurting others. I have committed all the seven cardinal sins in just my sixteen years of living, namely: Pride, Greed, Wrath, Envy, Lust, Gluttony, and Sloth. I have done the wrong things. How many times? That even I cannot remember. I am writing this to confess all my sins that I remember and a warning to all those people who want to come close to me, make my life happier or try to make me a better person. 

Name a crime which I hadn't committed: Betrayal, Lying, Failing to help, Cheating, Neglecting responsibilities, Breaking promises, Hurting emotionally, Ignoring morals, being selfish, and Failing to appreciate loved ones; I have done all of these. I can remember a time from my childhood. I used to fight with everyone when I went out to play. It is not like I showed my strength to equals, I fought with girls and smaller children. I was such a troublesome brat that I wasn't even allowed to step outside to play. I once got into a playful fight with a neighbour's kid and we threw stones at each other, I accidentally aimed at his head. I was crying after that, not because I had hurt someone, but because that child's family would go and complain to my parents. I never had a kind nature. Even now, I barely have the most fundamental feeling of kindness of a human being. My mother would always say that I didn't feel how much I pain others. 

My childhood at home was a thing, life at school was at another level. Before writing this, I consulted people who are close to me and still haven't left me, including only my mother because others left me. My mother always used to say that I get attached to others really quickly and this is so true. I remember when my cousin brother and sister used to come to my home during their vacations, I used to get so excited. I never used to sleep the night before they were coming and I would always find myself asking when they were going to come to everyone on the day of their arrival. I would spend all my day with them, going where they went almost like their shadow. I would always persist in going out with them or being with them all the time. My mother would say they had come here to enjoy their vacation and go out and I was too young to go out with them so I should not ask it again and again. This problem of me getting attached to everyone or trusting others too easily or you can also say it forgiving others easily and neglecting to see the true bad natures of others really got me in a lot of trouble. I mean it is really my foolishness and after all these years I still haven't figured out how to stop this nonsense.

Another of my problems is that I talk a lot and without thinking. This stupid nature of me has helped me in hurting all these people who were close to me. I have often times disrespected others and my words have caused them pain. I remember two such incidents, even though there are countless others. I have many a time objectified my fellow female classmates and made sexual remarks about them with my friends. I am such a person anyone wouldn't even look at. 

I remember an incident when I was in std. 2. I was playing with a steel ruler. We were trying to launch small paper balls with it. At that time mistakingly the scale flew off and struck a girl in my front in the head, had it been a little bit lower it would have hurt her eyes. There are countless such incidents where I had almost committed a sin that even God would not forgive me for. I have also troubled my parents quite a lot because of my actions. We used to run in the class in those days when teachers were not there. When we were playing, a boy accidentally pushed me and I fell and my head stroked the sharp part of the bench. That left quite a deep cut just above my left eyebrow. I remember it was the Hindi period then and our Hindi teacher rushed me to the washroom to wash my blood off. I was then taken to the hospital by my game/sports teacher. I was taken to Tata Main Hospital and the bill was paid by the school. I was taken back to school after the doctors gave me an injection and stitched my cut. I still remember my mother and grandfather coming to the school to pick me up and I reached home around 3 pm. After a few days, we had the Parent Teacher meeting and my parents met the parents of the child who accidentally pushed me. His parents were saying sorry and asking for forgiveness for their son's mistake. I still remember his father joining hands and asking for forgiveness from my parents. That made me really sad how the child's parents were so feeling guilty because of something that happened mainly because of my own foolishness. Had I not, run all over the class and not skated on the slippery floor, this would not have happened. I wasn't told anything or scolded for skating because I was the victim here, the victim of my own foolishness.

When I was in std. 2, I recall two girls used to sit in front of me. I with my friend used to trouble them so much that they called their parents and we were called to the Principal's office. It was my first time in the Principal's office. I was a little bit scared at that time, but I had no idea why teasing girls was such a big deal. I do not get along with girls and this was the first time I got in trouble because of my ill manners with girls. I should have improved myself at that time, but I did not do anything. I have hurt a lot of girls because of my ill mannerisms. I have hurt those kind-hearted gentle souls who tried to come closer to me, tried to help me, and tried to make me a better person, but what did I give in return? Hate and Sadness.

In std. 3, I had a friend named Kshitij. We used to play a lot and also run all over the classroom. He was the tough guy. It is so surprising that I still remember his face. He left the school in std. 7 or 8 for the military school, also his father was in the Indian Army. We were in the same class in std. 1 and then std. 3 after that we rarely talked as we were in different sections - our school used to shuffle students every year in the 4 different sections. Grade third was a pretty weird time, but I don't remember doing anything bad this year, mostly because I had a very strict Maths teacher.

When I was in std. 3, there was a kind of bully in my class, he is still with me in std. 10 and is a great friend of me. He had a ruler and when he tried to show his dominance with it, the ruler accidentally struck my wrist. I felt nothing but I behaved like it had broken my wrist or something worse. I hated him a lot that time so I complained to everyone and the following day I also told to my strict Maths teacher, he made him realise his mistake even though it was nothing and he cried a little bit. I enjoyed it so much at that time, but now that I recall those moments, I feel really bad for him and also he is a really good friend of mine and also keep in my mind I really do not have many close friends.

So I did another very stupid and bad thing in the fourth standard which a child shouldn't be doing. I had a guy in my class who was not mentally stable. Everyone used to bully him a lot. They used to befriend him and make him disrupt the classes when they were not beating him. I mostly sympathised with him but often time I also started enjoying beating him with my peers, following what the majority would do. I never got to apologize to him because he was ousted from school and was sent to a special school after that. I feel really bad for him. Even now, when I try to sleep, the visions of me beating him flash before my eyes. I never met him after that year nor heard of him. I really want to someday apologize to him for my mistakes. I hope he is in good health and is doing better nowadays. 

I feel like there has been no year in my life when I have not done anything wrong. When I was in class 5th, I had a tough guy as my bench partner. We were playing and had a little fight when he holding a pen and accidentally it got inside my hand. I made such a commotion of it. I went to the class teacher and reported it. I believe that was rather unnecessary. He also eventually became a good friend of mine in class 9 which was the last time I was with him. He left the school after class 9. 

Class 6 was the period of my life when I was the most indisciplined. I had a friend who was good at studies and he also was the most misbehaving child. I always tried to be good at my studies. In my sixth grade too, I was good at studies. My problem of getting easily attached to everyone here too proved to be detrimental to me. In his influence, I did all the wrong things. 

From Std. 7 we had online classes so I did nothing that bad when I was at home. 

Our regular classes started from Std. 8 and I called a girl something bad which I shouldn't be posting here. I did not really call her that. The std. 3 ruler boy was now a good friend of mine, and the girl was that girl whom I injured in std. 2. The boy and girl may have had a fight. When I was sitting with that boy, he whispered to me that word and stupid me, I repeated it quite loudly for her to hear that. I got in a lot of trouble that time, but I was a good student so nothing much happened. This incident again showed how much of a loose-tongued and impulsive person I am.

In class 9, I had a really strict teacher as our class teacher. I was quite a good student last year and my grades were also very good. For the first time in my school life, I got the first rank in my class and that too for all the 3 terminals, though my marks were still average. I was hardly able to score more than 80% in all three terms, but most of the students had become so bad at studies after the online classes ended. I got first for the first time, though with average marks and because others became weak, that small accomplishment was too much for me to feel proud and even insulted others. I was just too proud and egoistic and because of that, I did not have good relations with my class teacher. When I recall those moments, I feel so stupid. I was nothing just a half-blind in a group of blind people and I considered myself as a God. 

I find it so ridiculous. What had I done? Nothing, yet I was the most proudest. I do not even deserve to be called a first ranker. There is a guy in our school. He is so good at studies, he scores most in all of the six sections, yet he is so kind and humble. 

The worst mistakes I have committed have occurred now when I reached class 10. I became the worst version of myself. My grades decreased drastically and I continued to focus on all the other things except for my studies. I joined tuition to improve my English studies and there I made a really good friend but again due to my incapacity to have control over my mouth, I said something bad about her too and lost her. Now I am starting to believe that I have become so shameless that I do not even feel the guilt anymore. 

When I lose friends, I feel sad. I tell myself that I should not have done that thing or said that. But now I have become such an evil person that I completely forget about those friends with whom I spent one of the most pleasurable hours of my life. 

I would also like to cite a recent example from my life. I had a girl in the tuition for more than 1 and a half years, but I never gave importance to her. She wasn't significant for me. I was busy with another girl, who was, according to my lustful personality, more charming than her, but this year when she left the tuition, I started talking with that girl. We came closer and when you are closer you hurt them, this is the philosophy of my life. I hurt all those people who come close to me. She also made this mistake by coming close to me, trying to make my life better, trying to add colours to the dull canvas of my life, but it was her mistake, her sin. I should be thankful for such a kind and generous personality, as in modern times such divine souls are very hard to find, but what did I do? I hurt her, not once, not twice but so many times that now even I cannot recall. She had such innocence that she forgave me each time, despite seeing no improvement from my side. I promised her numerous times that I would not do it again, but how can you trust a promise made by the devil? She did. She trusted and I broke the promises every time until now when she is also getting tired of me.

I feel sad now that she is distancing herself now. She does not feel much affectionate to me now. We used to talk the whole day for hours and now we barely talk even for minutes. I feel that she does not want to be with me anymore, mostly because of my manners. I do not know how to talk. I do not know how to keep trust. I do not know how to keep promises. And definitely, I do not know how to behave with girls. She has the complete right to distance herself from me, and she must. I am losing another dear friend, a friend who was one of the purest and most gentle souls I ever found. I cannot bear the loss of such a person. She was a complete stranger to me, but she cared for me, she gave me a friendly love which I never received from a stranger. I am not saying there is not a single person who does not love me. My parents love me the most, but this stupid teenage attitude of me wouldn't allow them to come closer to me. When I look back at my life, I feel so useless. I have not achieved anything, not even a single thing in my life, not even a common yet pure thing as friendship. I have people whom I talk to but they will soon leave me too as soon as they find I am like a normal person like them.

I have also stopped disturbing her nowadays. I still remember that she used to message me first every time, but nowadays I am so obsessed with her that I message her every time I am free, which I am all of the time. My mates utilise their time to study. I have just one work to do that is study. I do not have to struggle like most of the other students do. I do not have to earn a living. I get everything I demand. My parents just expect me to study and get good scores and that is also for me. I cannot even fulfil even a single wish of them. I am really the most useless child. Instead of studying, I prefer to waste my time on others. I wasted my time and for the last few months, I have also kept her engaged with me, always disturbing her. I feel like she is getting irritated from my chats and wants to go away, but I do not let her. I am such a stubborn. I keep distracting her, she is so kind that she does not tell me directly but I can feel in her responses that she does not want to talk to me anymore. 

I am losing another friend or I have already lost this one. This is the biggest guilt of my sixteen years of living. I lost such a nice friend to have. I am completely worthless. There are still 70 or so years of my useless life, provided that I live for that long, which shouldn't be the case for a trash like me. I am not going to improve. It is my nature to hurt others. I am adamant about it. I will make more mistakes, a lot bigger ones than I made earlier. If you are reading this, which I am sure you won't waste time on, I just want to say to you that you are the best person that came into my life. I will remember you till I live or till this junk brain starts forgetting things. I will be sad to see you go but I wish for you to live happier and not cry again because of me. To date, I have already made you cry twice which I do not wish to do anymore, and for that, I have to say goodbye. Thank you for coming into my life. This 1 year has been the best year of my life.

I have decided that I will not try to talk to her anymore, I know it will make her sad but she really deserves a lot better than me.

I said in the starting that I had committed all the seven cardinal sins, which is completely true. I have committed to each of them, every single one of them. I have taken the pride of my small achievements to another level. I am such a greedy child that I keep demanding to my parents even though I know they are under financial strain and I am such a treacherous individual that I do not even recognize the struggle they do for me and the sacrifices they make. I am the most lustful person of 16 years of age. I have forgotten to respect everyone whether they are bigger or sometimes smaller than me. I am always jealous of my rival. I should learn from them but I always think of their downfall and be glad when I see it. I have been such a big-mouth eater. In my sixteen years of living, I have not made a single penny but still, I eat like everything is brought from the money I earned. In my wrath, I have forgotten all my manners and said things that any human should not say to another fellow human, but again my humanity remains questionable. I do nothing all day, just sleep and when my parents ask me to do something I say no outright to them. Before saying no, the thought of their sacrifices doesn't even come to my mind. I

I am such a person that even God will reject to acknowledge because I have hurt my parents more than any other in my life. Those people who have dedicated their lives to me, I have disrespected and made them sad many times. I am the most sinful human to ever walk on earth. Making others happy is quite a lot when I can't even make my parents happy. I feel so ashamed that I look for love and care from strangers when it is in my home.  

Till now, my life has been a complete waste. Neither have I earned a single penny in my life nor I have tried to do something for society or my fellow humans. I will not make fake promises that I want to improve myself because I am sure that my soul is corrupted to the bottom and there is no way that I can ever be improved, but yes I wish to be a better person in my next life, if I ever get the chance to live one. I feel I want to be better after a few moments I will forget everything and will start doing all those things that I have been doing till now. It has become by nature engraved to the deepest of my soul. I am a corrupt individual and do not deserve to be loved by anyone. I wish to stay alone all my life so that I do not get the chance to hurt any other gentle soul anymore.