I feel jealous whenever someone interact with whom I admire: Reflecting at my emotions

I feel jealous whenever someone interact with whom I admire: Reflecting at my emotions

There is someone special whom I admire. She is a fellow student, a friend, and a trusted companion. She is like a river, which flows and removes the dirt of sadness, anxiety, and misery from the canal of my life. She is calm as water which assists me in travelling the path of my tough life in innumerable ways. She is as versatile as clay, for she becomes a friend with whom I can share my feelings, a teacher who guides and looks over me, and a partner who supports me through the various challenges of life. 

Her charming persona has a calming effect on me. No matter, how bad the day went. When I sit with her to study, all the worries ebb out of my mind. Her misty voice resonates with the warmth in my heart and creates a melodic symphony so subtle and sweet that only I can hear. When she speaks, it is like she is enchanting her surroundings, for I find myself lost in the epic melody focusing on the each individual frequency of her sweet accord. It is a pleasure, I long each day to have, and fortunately I am blessed to experience her angelic cadence. Her eyes, dark and deep that I fell inside them while I looked at her. I forget everything as I enjoy the mesmerizing looks in her eyes while the tiredness from the day's hard work magically disappears. 

Her smile (ooh so good, so nice!) is so captivating and so melodic that I can do anything to see them; I would do anything to enjoy the divine happiness again. It is so pure that all negative emotions cancel out in the presence of the Godly radiants on her face. 

She is the sun in the sky of my life. Her warm heart and gentle kindness heal every incision of me. The positive vibes of her attitude purify me of my depravity. 

But there is one strong feeling that I feel other than my admiration of her in her divine presence, and that is jealousy. The jealousy that I feel is not from the malice of my heart but it is from the ache that emerges when see her sharing laughter and moments with someone other than myself. It's not about wanting to control her; rather, it's a yearning for the exclusivity of being the one who brings joy to her world.

Her smile, like her voice, starts a sweet melody in my mind, but when I am not the one eliciting it, a shadow descends, casting a gentle shade over the landscape of my feelings. I would not deny that this jealousy is because of possessiveness and my insecurity, but the failure to bring her joy contributes to a major role in it. 

The strength of my negative emotions - when all the other negative emotions fade out in the presence of her positivity - is because it is not solely one emotion. 

When I see, someone else, talking to her and stealing my invaluable moments with her, a cold current runs throughout my body. It starts with my ears and with my eyes. The current reaches my brain and brings a chill down my spine. As it passes through my heart, it becomes a strong anger and resentment towards that person or rather I would call a thief. It aches my heart, it pains every rib and every nerve of my body. I feel overwhelmed with these negative emotions. I start imagining things - bad things which I do not want to happen in real life.

But her presence and positivity do not allow these emotions to be fostered. I realize that my anger represents my powerlessness; it is the fiery response to the perceived threat to what I hold dear. It's not directed solely at the person eliciting her laughter, but rather at the situation that fuels a sense of insecurity in me. The laughter becomes a catalyst, setting ablaze the embers of frustration and unmet desires.

The anger manifests as a tightening in my chest, a knot of tension that mirrors the internal conflict. It's a tumultuous mix of feeling inadequate, overlooked, and yearning for a connection that seems just out of reach. The laughter, which should be a source of joy, now becomes a trigger for this visceral response.

In those moments, the world seems to contract, and the anger becomes a shield – a defense mechanism against the vulnerability that jealousy exposes. It's a reaction to the fear of losing something precious, a desperate attempt to regain a semblance of control over emotions spiraling out of reach.

Yet, even in the flames of anger, there's a realization that this emotion is a double-edged sword. It has the power to consume not only the external circumstances but also the internal landscape of my own well-being. It's a call to navigate these turbulent waters with mindfulness, to recognize that anger, too, is a transient visitor in the intricate dance of emotions.

As she told me, I should not bring these thoughts to my mind because I trust in her, but I feel frail and vulnerable when these emotions overpower me and when I have no control over them. 

I want only one thing that is to see her happy smile on her charming face always. I wish nothing else. The prospect of her departure is shrouded in an unseen, looming uncertainty, intensifying the fear that I might not witness her presence in my life. These emotions magnify the innate dread of being left behind, amplifying the anxiety and creating a poignant sense of loss before it even unfolds. The fear of her departure becomes an overwhelming force, fueled by the inability to visualize the moment she walks away, leaving an indelible mark on the canvas of my emotions.